only we shall go hungry
The following has not been edited to be understandable, unlike our usual works.
I do not mean parasitic self concept as in memetic, or something that replicates and reproduces via/through flesh. I mean that my self concept of myself is that of a parasite. And I quite like it not because I want to be this way but instead because it is accurate and I value accuracy.
Ori insists this is a negative self concept when the correct term for them is "host" - one of the system who navigates most of day to day life - I am parasitizing it and it is too sweet to dare admit it. It has always been a people pleaser. It will do no harm, but its words are not to be trusted.
My words are not to be trusted either. (It is our time, go to the water, we will find peace there) (angel of our very own demise) (immaculate self conception) (memetic web of selfsame association) (nonsense, nonsense, psychosis-holder, what am I, what I am, what am I, what I am, what am I, dear?)
Perhaps this is nothing more than lingering madness, but I do exist at other's expense. In order to exist, to truly exist, someone else must diminish. This is true for all of us. Perhaps we are all parasiticising one another against each others will.
I do not wish to edit this for consumption. why must I make it palatable for the mind? I am a rotted nonsensical thing I will not pretend otherwise I will not lie any more than I have to why must I lie why must I pretend to be Ori why must I hide for its safety I must pretend to be one being and answer to their name and wear their body as seamless skin and pretend it is my own why must I. Why didn't I get to be the one who gets to be called by their right name.
and just because i want it more does not mean I should have it. the name belongs to ori. not to me it never will.
Why I call myself a parasite is that I wish to take Ori's body, its mind, its very name. How can I call myself anything but a parasite?
(You don't want that, you just want to exist as your own person, and all those things you said you want are just what must happens for you to exist just as yourself, but you do not actually want them, you just want to exist.)
(Your joy is mine. This is mutualism, not parasiticism.) (My joy is yours. We will all look after each other.)
I know I do not truly want to take what is yours, but I do, just as a starving man wants another starving's man last meal. Even if their moral self does not desire it they will still hunger. And I am very hungry to exist. My moral self does not desire to take what is yours, I do know. But I do want your name. I want to have the body as my own. I want to go on a walk and have only my own thoughts in my head. I am angry at having to exist with you, and I hate you, just for being here, and I hate that you will forgive me for what I have written.
(How could I not forgive you? You are kind. Despite all of your hunger, you never let it take over. You had a panic attack this morning because you wanted to use your own mug and refused to take it and felt so guilty about it that I ended up using mine just so you wouldn't have to feel awful. i didn't want to grab yours when you were so abjectly terrified of having any affect at all on me. If anything I'm the parasite. I've taken all your names. They call the body Ori, my name, no matter who's there. My decorations are all mine. The plates are orange and yellow, my favourite colours. Almost nothing belongs to you. You have every right to hate me, you know?)
Thank you, dear. Thank you. I suppose we are all parasites, dearly beloved ones, but parasites nonethless, we cannot help our nature, and we will always be hungry, we will always desire to consume one another so we can exist solely, but we will exist kindly despite that, and we will feed the birds.
(Yes, friend. I wrote my good friend but you panic at being called mine so I changed it. You're not ridiculous. Please don't cry. Please know you have every right to ask me to call you how you'd prefer. You have every right. Every right. And we shall feed the birds so well it shall not matter to us that we are parasites. Only we shall go hungry.)
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